Putting Your Life on Hold

Mid-October of last year the secretary at my home church had to resign to take care of her very ill husband. And guess who the assistant secretary is that was called to fill in? Yep, that’s right, me. If all had went as planned I was to undergo a couple of weeks of training before the real secretary resigned. Unfortunately, because of her husband’s rapid decline in health those two weeks was reduced to a one-day training period.

My knowledge of how the former secretary did certain jobs in the church office was lacking in so many ways. When phrases like Quicken, Quick Books, and Revelation were brought up I thought the Baptist Church I attend had started speaking in tongues. I found myself lost in a deep, dark abyss of numbers, an accounting game I was clue-less about. Sure I can balance my own checkbook, but it’s not the same when you’re accountable for other people’s money.

For the past several months now I wake before dawn, (hot flash) and right away my thoughts become consumed with just how overwhelmed I am. My chest becomes tight and much needed sleep is an illusive stranger. Yes, even I become stressed sometimes.

It’s hard for a creative brain to have to become so disciplined. You see, I am a word person, not a numbers guru, and my PC computer knowledge (PC is what the church uses) is like a first grader trying to program a guided missile. Working with a PC has made me appreciate my iMac even more.

Speaking of my iMac, as most of you know from a previous blog my nine-year old iMac breathed it’s last breath several months ago. I was hopeful that the hard drive was not fried and all my years of entries could be salvaged and entered into my brand new iMac’s memory… but a phone call from the tech guy quenched all hope of that happening. The supposed, know-it-all, computer guy said, I have some bad news. Five words you never want to hear. All was lost, over three thousand pictures, dozens of novel drafts, stories yet to be read by unknown eyes, and thousands of documents that only I could know what they are good for.

During these sleepless mornings every single one of those documents invade my thoughts and taunt me with the fact that they are free from the memory banks of my old computer. Words, letters and stories dance through the silence of the pre-dawn mist, giggling with glee at my misery.

For the past four months the dark shadows of night have followed me into the day at my church job. I’ve pouted and pitied my mere existence as I’ve tried to reconcile bank accounts, run reports and decipher Social Security tax laws. Oh poor, poor me, trying to figure out the running of a church office, schedule and plan for this years book signings, and, come up with a new book idea that will knock the socks off my readers. Woe is me.

How selfish and pathetic do I sound? Why, I might ask did it take the secretary/treasurer search committee so long to find the perfect candidate to fill the void at the church office? Because the new secretary had to be the person God wanted her, or him to be, and it had to happen in His time.

I am so very excited to announce that the new secretary started training with me a couple of weeks ago. She is going to be an awesome secretary, treasurer, and new friend.

Even though I am thankful that my days of being a so-called secretary are numbered, I am even happier that my months of struggling to be a church treasurer are coming to an end.

I know God has a purpose in all of this, for some reason He wanted me to stretch my limits and step out of my comfort zone. Many times these past few months I have thrown my hands into the air and said, God, I can’t do this. And each time His answer has been, Yes you can my child, just let go and let Me show you.

It’s hard for a psychotic, control freak to put her life on hold, step away from what she knows and into a world of the unknown. She had much rather be playing with words in the confines of her own little space.

I can honestly say that I have learned so many new things these past months, situations and strategies that will be useful in the days ahead. Most importantly I am reassured that, The Light will always guide me out of the darkness. I just have to trust and let go of my own will.

Sitting here today writing this article, I feel like the weight of all those numbers have finally been lifted from my weak mind. I am back to something I know a little bit about, writing. And, this week a dear friend of mine found someone to salvage the hard drive of my old computer, so, I can honestly say, all is right in my world again.

Thanks to everyone who has been patiently waiting to hear what I’ve been up to these past few months. I hope you will spread the word and tell everyone that I should have another novel ready in a few months, that is if those dreaded numbers have not scarred my creative mind forever.IMG_0842

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